Chapter One

I have felt a ashamed about this career chapter of my life… just two days ago I shared my shame with my mom, she was shocked and said she had no idea. My Mom didn’t know as I never was fully transparent about my feelings with anyone, including myself. My 45th birthday arriving soon, it’s time I rewrite my narrative on such a potent chapter of my younger years. To witness my young self and acknowledge her strength, work ethos and to say I’m proud of you vs hiding in my own young emotionally immature state of being.

It’s an odd thing, shame—how it slips in quietly, coloring memories in muted tones, making accomplishment taste bittersweet. As I reflect, I realize so much of my life was spent hiding these feelings, hiding my vulnerability in silence, convinced that no one would understand or that my experiences were somehow less valid because they didn’t fit the mold of what I thought was “acceptable” struggle. But the young girl I was—awkward and uncertain… deserves more than my secrecy and self-judgment.

In the summer of 1992, I was 12 years old, I just had tonsillectomy and then experienced a decent growth spurt, I went from 5’7 to 5’10. I had been receiving orthodontics work for the past two years prior, all the fun stuff with spacers, headgear, braces, retainer, the whole orthodromic shebang!  I easily could stay hidden in a crowd, and I liked being able to bend in.  But once I turned 12 my braces came off and I found myself standing at 5’10… my once chubby adolescent body had become tall, long and gangly. I no longer blended in; I stood out like a sore thumb in middle school.  I found myself hunching over walking through the school hallways, my posture was horrific. I felt like all eyes were on me not only in school but out and about shopping with my mom and in all social settings.

One day at the mall my mom was approached by a model agent, and they asked if I had ever considered modeling. That’ was a BIG NO for me, I never viewed myself as beautiful, I was always picking apart my freckled, skin with so many moles that I used to say jokingly, “you could play connect the dots on me”, along with my large forehead (which I now endearingly call my 5-head). My thoughts of myself externally were bleak but even worse was how I felt within myself. I was extremely sensitive, growing up, very emotional, which I was teased by some friends and family. I also struggled in school, always an average and below average student. It was not because I didn’t apply myself, I just struggled with testing and my attention span. I found myself daydreaming in class often. I later was diagnosed with dyslexia, which helped me understand that I learn differently and that I am not stupid. The diagnosis was a blessing as I chose to apply myself even more because I realized. I wasn’t broken.

As for athleticism, goodness I was so uncoordinated, and I hated competition.  Sports were out of the question for me, my mom certainly tried, I remember being last, very last in a swim meet and all I could do was cry afterwards, not because I didn’t win but because I held back my swimming team. I can still feel my young visceral disappointment and begged my mom to never make me be a part of a sports team again. She heard me and I believe her heart realized, I was very different. She then enrolled me in art classes, and she saw me blossom a bit. I was and still am a very creative, passionate and sensitive soul. I operate differently in this world, and I now I embody and accept my unique ways of being, I have found that I have an innate way of seeing, feeling and an passionate entrepreneurial spirit.

So, back to the moment at the mall being questioned about modeling, my mom and I spoke about it and we both thought, why not give it a try as I felt I had been falling short in school and sports, and I believe my mom knew that I needed something to engage me. Little did we know that modeling turned into a full-time career from 1992 to 2007, 15 years.  Evern though I was 12, I did not look 12 with being 5’10 and my face structure just looked more mature. I could easily pass for 18 or 20 something and my bookings reflected that, I never booked a kid modeling job, I only booked adult modeling work from fashion shows, to commercials, print editorials to catalogs. I traveled for castings and bookings, from 12-14 my mom would take me to all castings and drop me for the jobs I had booked. She was instrumental in building foundational values and work ethics, always arriving early and being organized and prepared. Always show respect, and to build authentic relationships with models, clients, photographers, , photographers, makeup artists, stylists, producers and all crew, everyone is equally important.

Did I stumble and make errors?...  absolutely! Did I want to have normal teenage stuff like go to parties; I sure did! I tried the summer of 1993, I was 13 and I partied my ass off, gained 15 lbs., made horrible life and friend choices and I felt like shit. My mom put an end to it with some hard boundaries and radical accountability. I was “grounded” and house bound the last few weeks of summer.  As summer ended, it was early fall casting season in modeling, I decided to give my modeling career another shot… especially because I didn’t like who I was becoming as my 13-year-old lost, conforming self.

My first casting back was for a Nieman Marcus fashion show, I had worked with NM on a constant basis in 1992- 1993. David Cordosa was the one in charge of the casting and booking. David is also who taught me how to walk the runway, I deeply respect David.  I will never forget when he saw me after my summer hiatus. He looked at me, I could see it in his eyes… disappointment. Then he spoke just a few words to me, if you want this, get yourself together and don’t’ come back till you are healthy and ready to show up as the Stacey I know. I did not book that runway show, and it took me about 30 days to drop weight, eat well again and commit to modeling career again. Till this day, I am grateful to David and my mom, two people who saw my potential, who believed in me when I didn’t and encouraged me to believe in myself. To commit to choosing a path of unknown but full of opportunity if I choose it.

From the age of 13 and onward up to 27, I modeled full time, dropped out of high school and worked. I had incredible opportunities, I lived in New York City, Miami at 15 at 18 I moved to San Francisco, and I booked some incredible jobs and built wonderful relationships. I made the most money I have ever made. Even now, I still have not been financially compensated to the degree that I was in my modeling career. I am sharing this not to be boastful but because this has brought up deep questions to my value to self and my contribution in this world. At the age of 27, I retired from modeling and dove into my passion and “out of the box” way of thinking and went to business with my mom. I loved challenging my mental and creative intellect and boy did my entrepreneurial spirit kick in to full gear.

My Mom and I co- owned and operated Goodytwos Toffee Company, another 15-year journey full of unknowns. Though I didn’t make the money that I did in modeling, I loved showing up and working from my internal essence, passion and purpose. I will share more on Chater 2 of my entrepreneur career in a blog post to come…

Circling back to my shame, why have I felt such shame with my modeling career. This is a question that I have sat with all my 20’s, 30’s and early forties. I met the most amazing friends and mentors from this chapter of my young working life, somehow in an industry that puts value on your external appearance, I connected with the most AMAZING and AUTHENTIC people that reflected my inner presence.

I recently recorded a conversation with my dear friend, renowned makeup artist/Stylist, Diane Aiello for my YouTube channel. This conversation inspired me to write this blog post. I first met and worked with Diane when I was 13. In our YouTube conversation, Diane mentioned “the inner Stacey and the outer Stacey”; I became teary eyed as she was sharing and asking if I understood what she was saying. In that moment Dinae gave context and articulation to feeling that I had back then and my lack of understanding at that young age.  I had built a tough armor to be so young working in an industry that is full of rejection on the daily, it is just a part of modeling industry. And I believe the continual rejection helped build my resilience and not being afraid to fail in all of my journeys to today and to still come.  Diane saw me underneath my poised facade, and I felt safe to be my innocent, insecure 13-year-old self with her. As Diane did my make-up for the shoot, I felt seen, heard and respected by Diane, Diane shared her grounding guidance with me, and I soaked it up. From that shoot on, Diane and I continued to work together on various jobs, and we built a true friendship… when I was wanting to retire from modeling, she was my sound support saying you can do anything your put your heart and mind into. Diane has always been a constant support and guiding light in my life.

So I’ve found myself back to questioning self, why do I feel shameful about modeling? I was in my heady conversation of “this work is unrelatable, it’s not respectable, you sound pretentious and conceded”.  This was my young voice speaking to me, not my wise self now. So, I took a deep breath and listened to her intently, I heard her and validated her experiences that brought in this old, demeaning narrative. Even though I was successful, my experience in the modeling industry also was full of a lot of grey areas and close encounters that did not make me feel good about myself. I developed unhealthy eating habits to get skinny for certain jobs and castings that required size 2 measurements, I never was or will be a size 2 naturally but I found ways to make it happen. That’s just one shameful example of self-abandonment. 

Another shameful time was when I was flown to Milan for fashion week, I was also 15, the agency wouldn’t pay for my mom to go so I went alone, there was another young model with a mom and that Mom was supposed to be “sort of” my guardian. Once we landed in Milan, the model and her mom were put up in a different model’s dorm on the other side of town, I was dropped off at dorm with 6 other models from 17-ealry 20’s. None of the girls spoke English and seemed to be very well established. I started to spin with fear and overwhelm, my castings (interviews) for that day were over 20 in a 6-hour period, all over the Milan vicinity. I felt very underprepared and afraid of failure. Here I am in a new country all by myself trying to armor up with professional exterior Stacey, show up, do a good job, people are counting on you, your agency is paying for this whole trip… I only lasted two days and called my mom in humiliation and guilt.  I remember saying, “Please Mom, I need to come home”, I feel so lost, it was my sensitive 15-year-old inner self knowing that this was not right for me.  And now, I say to her, you had every right to feel overwhelmed and underprepared. You had every right to leave and go back home to the states; your feelings were and are valid. That was a situation where you were promised support, but the promises were broken.  

Though I have many more incidents I can share; for now, I will end with this shame building block. I remember signing a waiver at a job in NYC, my booker found out that evening and was livid with me, verbally aggressive. I felt horrible, stupid, and yes, shameful for making such a mistake.  I knew better. But again, I was 15 years old, this was a trustworthy brand in my young eyes, and I did make a mistake that affected the Agency as we lost image and monetary rights.

Looking back, I realize how formative those years were, not just for my career but for the internal narrative I carried forward. The modeling world offered me an escape from the things I believed I lacked—a sense of belonging, academic prowess, athletic ability—but it also demanded an emotional maturity that, in truth, I was still fumbling toward. I learned to adapt quickly, to read a room, to anticipate what was expected of me. The uncertainty of each casting call, the exhilaration and the rejection, became woven into my daily existence.

There’s a strange freedom in finally peeling back the layers and letting the truth breathe. I spent so long crafting an image, both for myself and for the world, that I nearly lost sight of the real story: that behind every poised smile and every seemingly effortless achievement was a young person navigating deep currents of self-doubt and yearning for gentle acknowledgment. Now, as I am rewriting, I feel the weight of the past begin to lift, replaced by a acceptance in every scar, every misstep, and the striving that brought me to this point.

My mother’s surprise to me sharing my shame is a testament to how closely we can hold our pain, even from those who love us most. But it’s never too late to be honest with others and with ourselves. In giving voice to these memories, I am finally making peace with all the younger versions of me, offering the compassion and recognition my young self fiercely needed.

My wise self knows that it’s ok to make mistakes, this is where we learn our lessons and I will say, lesson learned, I never signed anything again in that chapter of my career without my agency or legal representation. I say to my young self, “I acknowledge you; I honor you and your mistakes. You did the best that you could at the time and it’s time to let go of your shame, your extreme self-judgment and rhetoric.

In a way, I feel this blog post is an acknowledgment letter to my young self with reverence for a chapter in my life that I undervalued, that I have let stay hidden to an extent for fear of perception and defamation of self that has been held in shame and self-doubt.

I am proud of what I navigated and accomplished in my modeling career.  Did I make a mistake, YES, did I succeed, YES. Did I meet some of the most influential and authentic friends in my life, YES. Did I learn and hone foundational building blocks for entrepreneurship, YES! I am not ashamed anymore and my younger self isn’t either, I have consciously chosen to take off my shame shackles off and I own my story, and I am proud of myself. I am also proud to know that there is more to my value than just external presence, it’s what’s within, that is full of my authenticity and integrity that as always been there and brought me to arrival today in a healthy and loving relationship to self, my self-worth and my value to self.

I would like to end with a question for you, to whoever is reading this blog post. Is there a part of you that you are hiding, that feels shame and lack of self-worth and value? If yes, then here is your opportunity to be with that part of yourself, allow presence and openness, to acknowledge this part, to re-parent from your wise self and to self-validate this part of you. This to not to bypass choices and behaviors that could have been different, but it is an opportunity to deepen relationship to all parts of self, self-acceptance to knowledge, to understand, to move forward not with haste or regret but with a deeper understanding and reverence to your journey here and now.

With love and light,

Stacey